THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE

I am the thinker. I think too much. I can not stop to think. But sometimes it really bother me. That's a good thing about thinking, right? At least I've learned something from my own thought. Not just ignore them.

I've been in this world for 23 years. Some people said that I just began to learn about life, but for some people said I am too old to watch bare bears. I know dude, this life will be harder. But here something I've learned from life so far.

1. Don't be so naive with life. Growing up makes me more realistic in life, I don't want to expect rainbow and waterfall, because life will give you storm and hurricane, or even earthquake. Do not think that everything will be easy-peazy, just to make sure I will not disappointed by my expectation.

2. Sometimes just keep silent is a bliss. When I have a rage conversation with others, it's better to just keep silent as long as nothing will harm me. Don't think hastily. Relax and think again should I react to every imbecility or not.

3. Life is so unfair. This was not came from my mind, many people said this thing over and over again. BUT, I just realized that this word is so meaningful to me. Because, I can relate to this word. When I tried so hard to get a job, but I was defeated by some peeps that has privilege. Life is so unfair.

4. Bad things in social media is not a dark side of social media itself, but it's the dark side of human. Social media doesn't give you anxiety, but it's human itself to give their anxiety to their mind. For example, when a girl have a nice sling bag they posted on ig and then I thought "pfff so arrogant", that was her choice to posted her new sling bag on ig, and also that was my choice to felt envy. You know what I mean?

5. Life is not about competition. Have you read my Lima Gadis Berkompetisi post? Well, this point is about that post. I startled by my own thought, I used to join the competition, but now when people flex about their ingenuity, wealth, or anything, I'll say to them "wow, that's great". Somehow it brings me joy to react like I don't want to lose the competition. Let people happy when they flexing about something.

6. When I die I want people can feel me even when I'm not in this life anymore. That's one of many reason I write on my blog, so people can read it when I die. They will experience some of part of my life. They will feel it. They will imagine it when I wrote all my posts on my blog. I remember Mr. Sapardi Djoko (Alm.)'s poetry, it was Pada Suatu Hari Nanti, from my point of view his poetry told us that we will be eternal together with the writings we left behind.

When I was a kid I used to cry to see this photo. Because I was alone in that photo and I pity myself.

7. Be careful with your mind. Let's just be realistic and positive. I don't want to talk much about this and how to do this. Because every human has their own way. Negative mind or even negative people and environment can lead me to anxiety. That small anxiety can become acute anxiety. Acute anxiety led me to the verge of suicide. 

8. Unpleasant thing from attempt suicide is when you attempt it but the next morning you still wake up and still have to struggle PLUS you're sick, maybe because you tried to drank insect repellent but God say "NO NO NO, this is not how you going to die". We just don't know about God's plans.

9. I've learned that life is challenging. I've in one point where I want to die, I couldn't slept, and agonize. But here I am, waiting for the surprise, bad surprise or good surprise in life. Harder or not I can through this. 

Recently I'm reading Leo Tolstoy's novel titled War and Peace, and there's one letter that Leo sent to his wife that made me think and imagine how was Leo feeling when he wrote this letter:

The day before yesterday I spent the night at Arzamas and something extraordinary happened to me. It was 2 o’clock in the morning. I was terribly tired, I wanted to go to sleep and I felt perfectly well. But suddenly I was overcome by despair, fear and terror, the like of which I have never experienced before. I’ll tell you the details of this feeling later: but I’ve never experienced such an agonizing feeling before and may God preserve anyone else from experiencing it.

XOXO, Nadila