Whenever I'm In Mood

I vowed never to love a woman older than me, Even my friends, my colleagues, they knew this truth. Yet I found myself choking on that promise, When I saw her, smiling, talking to her son— A smile so full of love, A mother, a goddess in her care. And in that moment, I thought, "I want her. I want that love, That smile, To be the mother of my children." But she’s married, And each night, I battle cruel thoughts— Wishing her husband gone, Praying for a fate that never comes. I hate this longing, this bitter truth: I met her too late. I wish we’d met before. My dreams are of a family—her and me— She once whispered her weariness, Tired of work, but needing more. In my dreams, I tell her, “You don’t have to work. Quit if you wish, I’ll provide for you, for our son.” But it’s only a dream. We played tennis once, She was graceful, skilled— And with every swing, every glance, I fell deeper. She became the one I could never have. No one knows this, Not even my closest friends, That I’v...

I imagine that everything I've written in this blog will become inscriptions. A hundred years later, some random person will look at my archives, Witnessing what life was like in the early 2000s, and they'll start to think, "Hmm, a woman." Wait, is it possible that this Blogspot will still be around a hundred years from now? I hope so... A hundred years later, no one will recognize me, Not even my great-grandchildren. I'll rise again as moon orchids... nah, that won't happen. Someone's body will be laid to rest on me, buried. A hundred years later, in 2124, all the memories on my Google Photos will be unknown. Hmm, wait—Google, you have my permission to keep my photos after I die, and when the 2100s come, just spread them all over the world. People will see my life, All my random photos, screenshots, and videos. I hope people in the future will enjoy them as much as I've enjoyed my life. A hundred years later, if someone claims my work as theirs, I wil...

Politik dikuasi oleh kekuasaan yang sedang bertahta. Anak kecil menangis telah kehilangan ibu, ayah, dan suadaranya. Di suatu tempat ada akal licik yang memikirkan kemenangan kepentingan. Alam sedang balas dendam, tornado datang pada tempat yang bukan menjadi habitatnya. Tanaman pada kuburan itu menandakan bahwa yang telah pergi datang kembali dengan wujud yang baru. Berapa luasan lahan yang digunakan untuk pemakaman, benar ternyata baiknya lahan tersebut kita jadikan kebun dan menghasilkan sesuatu yang dapat kita konsumsi. Tidak ada Tuhanmu Tuhanku, yang ada Tuhan kita, yang pada dasarnya tujuannya sama namun berbeda cara. Aku akan merasa setiap umur yang aku injaki merupakan umur yang terbaik yang pernah aku alami. Berapa lama hingga Lorde tidak merasa jijik pada dirinya pada saat menyuruh penggemarnya diam dan biarkan dia menyanyi dengan suara yang fals? Apa yang mereka takutkan dan bagaimana bisa mereka masih menjalani hari seperti biasanya? Apa yang mereka sembunyikan dan motif te...

  Don’t you remember, I’ve told you that it will be a moment when we will be strangers again? Guess this is the beginning of it, I will know you forever as a man who gone and hurt me I thought you will stay for only a couple of weeks, but you are still here, even though I let you go Play the fool, as always, for a thousand time I’m starting to think God designed me as an ugly friend “Her crushes falling in love with her best friend? that’s cruel”, “yes it is” I know how this is gonna end, been there and done that when I was younger Hiding my worst emotion, play it cool, and always support any path my love choose Can we just go back when the time is only us and nobody? For the obvious reason, I want us Letting you go, and seeing you with her now All the giggles you got with her sound like a breaking glass to me But the less I know, the better it is When I’m alone, here I am drunk and writing things about you My brain loves to re-watch the memory of when you saw me half naked Late-ni...

  I'm buying a ticket to Sierra Leone today This is the last day in this city and the subway Disappear from the world is my plan Changing my name to Julian or Vivian Staying in not so cool hotel for a week Going fishing with some locals with red cheek “Jule, do you living your life?” he asks “Yeah, here I’m free without any mask” Hanging out with another tourist, he is an alpha Can’t tell if he’s Arabi or Spanish, but we doing a spa He’s so tall, tan skin, and for sure he is also disappearing Oh no, turns out he is working as a researcher and there’s a ring Watching a video of me and you doing the foxtrot twice today It makes me chuckle like when you said you do like me the other day All the messages, all the calls, you can not reach me, I changed my number You counted 500 messages, that was the last time, I hope I can do better This is me trying to be an alpha girl like you wished for No dear, it is not for you, that's useless, this is my endeavor I remember when you burn me a...

 September 21, 2023 This is where all begin, I'm listening to my high school playlist and it brings back all the memories and stuff I like in high school. For the record, in high school I was kinda like drama girl, all the teenage drama and Korean drama influenced me to be one. I never taste the love life in high school, just one sided love, kinda pitty myself for not experience high school's love that people keep telling that is the best love story in their teenage life. Nah, but myself in high school have her own daydream crush, it was Cameron Dallas, who didn't know him? He was so popular along with Lele Pons and other Vines Artist. Cute guy, huh? I also have a crush in high school, someone that I adore so much but no one knew about him, hmmm there was one actually, my friend knew it, Nanda knew it. He kept falling in love with my close friend. Hmmm what else that happened in high school? How about friends? Friendship in high school was not as beautiful as in middle sch...

 September 2, 2023 You just said words that you shouldn’t Make your peers hurt is your strength How peacefully you sleep, while we wrestle with our thought You paint me as a fool, incapable, they say, Mocking my endeavors as I toil through the day. All the wealth you hoard, you feel powerful You are God’s right hand to judge Order them to do anything that you want I care deeply for this plight, not careless, you should know, Yet, you brand me "princess sensitive," with debts that never show That’s all right you’re not that someone in the crowd I thought that I’m calm and always chill for any jokes Yet, as I've come to know you, the script has rearranged, Yes, I wear my crown, I scream out, you’re an asshole Oh, I'm the princess sensitive, and you're the heartless soul, Not trying to be your nemesis, but will make a cold bowl of yours NADILA J. ISLAMIATY

 March 22, 2023 I never liked the idea of missing the memories Listen to a particular song, and all of a sudden, eyes full of tears That deep voice part of the song sounds like you whisper Telling me all the things that we can’t have and gone The owner of time laughed at this drama No chance to negotiate or even make a new one I don’t want to miss all of this shit alone I will cry so hard until you feel the same Because I do believe everything is connected Even though you and I never tell each other At least, in the end, we know, and we feel NADILA J. ISLAMIATY

 October 17, 2022 It’s a beta wave, all active and never stops It’s something that I have, screaming for help It told me to get a sharp sword It gives me a visual of something interred NADILA J. ISLAMIATY

 May 22, 2022 Mark William is one of the guys that I was deeply blessed to meet personally. I not only feel loved by him, but he is like my childhood friend, even though we met when we were 19 and 20, I see myself and him growing together to be better human beings. One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready, and four to go, here we’re, ready to start a new life as husband and wife. We’ve been together for six years, I know him much everything, accept his past, be grateful for today, and crave for life forever with Mark. He has a huge heart for chasing dreams, I know he is playing video games a lot, but I know and I believe that he is someone who works really hard for anything he wants. When we were in college, I adore how he can be focused on his projects, getting things done perfectly, and being extra. That’s the first thing that I adore about him. Mark is someone who is clearly, perfectly, and blatantly, accepting the circumstance to the fullest yet trying all of an...

 April 7, 2022 What will you do when you know the exact time you’re gonna die? Me? A year before my death, I will try my best to spend time with people I love, and treat them nice. I know, sometimes I behave like an asshole to every person whom I love. Besides that, I will go to the salon every 3 months, get some spa day, and treat myself like I am my wife. 9 months before my death, travel to some cool places alone or with my significant other, family could join, and friends too. Go to a bar and dance like I know I’m gonna die soon, and this is the last time I’ll dance here. Re-watch 2 broke girls. And telling the truth about anything to everyone, something I’ve been hiding. 6 months before my death, just doing my regular day. 3 months before my death, resign from my job, and enjoy my day with things I’d never done before, like hiking, diving, winning an argument on the internet, doing nothing in the mountains without the internet and pieces of stuff. 1 month before my death, writ...

 18 Maret 2022 Aku kira menjadi dewasa menyenangkan Pergi ke swalayan dengan membawa diri Dompet tebal dengan kartu bertuliskan "Nadila" Memilih produk dengan harga termurah dan mengingat iklannya Nyatanya, memang menyenangkan Menyobekan kertas transaksi hingga berkeping-keping Berbelanja barang terlalu mahal dan menyesalinya Memikirkan barang apa yang perlu dibeli saat angka meningkat kembali Nyatanya, menjadi dewasa juga melelahkan Untuk berbicara dengan orang saja perlu tenaga Memikirkan subjek perbincangan saja membuatku ingin pulang ke rumah "Apa yang mereka pikirkan tentangku?" Tanyanya di malam hari sepulang bersua dengan kawan Saat aku menyadari bahwa aku bertumbuh Aku pun menyadari bahwa aku berubah menjadi membosankan Apakah ini sesuatu yang terjadi jika kita menjadi dewasa? Membosankan, tertutup, dan hanya ingin berada pada tempat tertentu Dewasa yang banal Dewasa yang mengadili Dewasa yang skeptis Dewasa yang kesepian Tenang Nyatanya, menjadi dewasa juga...

Jan 6, 2022 Been living in this chaotic, overdramatized, but yet beautiful city for 24 years You came here for the first time, told me places you want to go I hope I know all the places, leaving the memories to every corner But I know this city never feels the same again Meeting you was perplexing, and my brain got no punctuation No dear, it's always tiring to think what I have to say just because you're draw my attention Stay the same, even though I always tell you that you're the most irritating person Now, If I go back to my hometown, I will never forget you Only in this city where we can get to know each other so deeply This city never feels the same again to me It will shatter me knowing that I have a great time with my friend here in Bandung, but now I don't know when I will meet you again. Stay the same, and never forget me. Nadila.

 Aku rasa apa yang dia lakukan padaku lain Aku melihat caranya menatapku begitu dalam, sehingga aku merasa tenggelam Aku selalu memikirkannya setiap kali aku hanya terdiam dan sendiri dengan pikiranku Aku terlalu berusaha untuk menghapus emosi ini, respon terhadap segala yang kau lakukan Teman perempuanku berkata, mungkin kau suka Teman perempuanku berkata, kita adalah dua bintang yang serasi Teman perempuanku berkata, kau selalu tersenyum jika berbicara denganku Teman perempuanku ternyata, hanya meromantisisasikan segala perbuatanmu Karena.. Kamu hanya manusia yang baik dan santai Kamu hanya tidak ada perasaan yang mengait padaku Kamu hanya melihatku sebagai manusia yang baik dan santai juga Kamu hanya tidak memiliki reaksi yang sama dengan apa yang aku rasakan Meromantisisasi pria adalah kegemaran para Wanita Menganggap apa-apa yang mereka lakukan adalah tanda dari cinta Padahal banyak sekali hal yang selalu pria anggap sebagai gurauan Melibatkan suatu hal yang sangat rentan bagi...

  Afrika Selatan "La, masa aja dari sepanjang jalan aku denger lagu Waka Waka mulu, terus sekarang kamu dengerin juga lagu ini", masih ingat sekali aku dan Lala duduk di sofa ruang tamu rumah Lala sambil mendengarkan lagu ini. Muak sekali mendengar lagu ini di dua angkutan kota yang berbeda, dari angkot jurusan Kalapa - Buah Batu, hingga angkot jurusan Buah Batu - Dayeuh Kolot. Lala sedikit menggoyangkan bahunya disesuaikan dengan irama lagu Waka Waka. Aku tertawa sedikit sambil melihat pipinya yang merah, tidak pernah berhenti aku memikirkan beruntungnya aku memiliki Lala yang memilih mendengarkan lagu Waka Waka ketimbang memainkan recorder dari hidungnya. "Okay, kalau kamu bosen aku ganti lagunya pakai lagu Wavin' Flag iklan Coca Cola nih", kata Lala sambil mengganti musik di ponsel SonyEricsson W902 miliknya. "Kamu tau ga? Setiap aku dengerin lagu ini bawaannya inget kamu terus". "Kamu mah emang inget aku terus mau denger lagu itu atau engga ju...

  I have a very wild, crazy, and sometimes dirty mind Kinda waiting for the perfect place and time You always have been in my preoccupation Wild, wild, wild My mineral water tastes like boredom Yours, yours tastes like my wild, wild, wild You talked to me, but all I see is just a blurry face You asked me, but my water tastes like shit What the f is this? My world just turned into a creative power This is what they called surrealism Asking the brain "what?", and my brain doesn't know shit Asking my consciousness, and it gets dizzier Mineral water but dizzier I can't see what people want to see I wish I have your water just to say it How could you? Nadila J.

  Once I was narrow-minded to think that we can’t love someone of the same sex. The reason is simple because it is prohibited in my religion, also how about having a child or having a descent? Back in my college time when I have a very first lesbian friend, I cannot agree with what she said about her feeling towards girls. But then I stopped. Can I just be a human? Have a feeling? Just being me, myself with my own thought. Then I read about the UNDP report title “Tolerance but Not Inclusion”. That report showed a national survey of experiences of discrimination and social attitudes towards LGBT people in Thailand. It was blown my mind, 100%. It also made me realize that I’m spending too much time in my bubble. I’ve never seen the outside bubble. I was just society's mindset. I never asked myself, what should I react if one of my close friends, family, or even my children if were gay or lesbian? What should I do? Have you ever asked yourself that? Then I started to think about bei...

  11 Februari 2021 "Orang dewasa itu sulit", pikirku sewaktu aku masih menjadi bocah yang bahkan belum mengerti mengenai pajak dan pembayaran BPJS. Melekat sekali pikiran itu dalam otak ku hingga kini, betapa aku benci melihat orang dewasa terus mengeluh di setiap harinya. "Kenapa sih orang dewasa gampang cape? Sedikit-sedikit bilang aduh atau cape". Acap kali aku mendengar keluhan ke-dua orangtua ku mengenai betapa mereka merasa lelah, pegal, mengantuk, atau bahkan "pengen istirahat aja dulu". Aku melihat orang dewasa itu lemah sekali, baru jam 10 pagi saja mereka sudah merasa mengantuk, sehabis sahur di bulan ramadhan mereka langsung tertidur karena katanya mereka mengantuk. Payah sekali orang dewasa. Lalu aku teringat suatu ketika aku bertanya apa yang diinginkan dari orang dewasa pada pamanku, dan beliau menjawab "bahagia". Lagi, aku heran dengan orang dewasa. "BAHAGIA?" tanyaku dengan nada kaget, "memangnya sekarang om ga baha...